Here recently it seems like everything just gets under my skin so quickly and easily. It’s not that I get mad and take it out on others, it’s just the fact that I’m constantly annoyed and stressed. Something as simple as the dogs tracking some mud through the house will just ruin my mood. I know some people who would just laugh it off and clean it up. Meanwhile I’ll get pissed that I didn’t wipe their feet and be mad the entire time I’m cleaning it up. This has nothing to do with the dogs, it just an example. Any number of seemingly insignificant things can trigger me like that. Like forgetting something at the store and having to go back. I would love to be able to go, “well that sucks” and just get over it.
For me, it was pure philosophy. When I came to terms with how totally insignificant I and my world is in the grand scheme of the universe, something as simple as the dog tracking mud across the floor became less then inconsequential.
As an aside:
This reads like someone who takes everything upon themselves and doesn’t cut themselves enough slack. I don’t know you and this is the tiniest snippet of your life experiences, so take my statement with a massive heaping of salt, but give yourself a break. You aren’t super human, you aren’t responsible for everyone and everything, and you will make mistakes. Holding yourself to an impossible standard is a common source of anger and unhappiness.
Subjectively speaking, every person I’ve met who I would describe as “angry” when discussing their personality (I’m a believer that some things are worth being mad about and choosing to be appropriately angry does not make you an angry person) is deeply unhappy with themselves. This is usually because, thanks to a combination of external influences like narcissistic friends/family, they never measure up to their distorted beliefs of how they “should” be. “Should” is a bad word. Thinking in terms of “should” is self-abusive and rarely helpful. “Will” and “next time” are fine. They’re about learning. “Should” is nothing more than a way to internalize the things you’ve done wrong without focusing on how you’ll learn from them.
Anyway, I could be way off, cause man I don’t know you. But, some food for thought, anyway.
I would say you are pretty spot on. I was raised by a narcissistic father, who always told me I wasn’t living up to my potential. It’s taken years of therapy to get over that feeling and it still creeps up from time to time.
I like the thought on should. I never thought about it that way before. Which is funny because that is what I always tell me kids. If they do something wrong I don’t sit there and harp on them about what they did wrong like my parents did to me. I talk to them about how we can handle that situation better in the future. Guess I need to listen to myself more often.
Just wanted to add the easy to remember shorthand (came from a therapist on youtube): “Don’t should all over yourself.”
Things gonna do their own thing. You can only handle the direct consequences, and work towards influencing the outcomes.
Yes. I first distanced myself from that mean, critiquing internal voice. That took about a year. Then I learned practiced self kindness, that took many years. The final stage was befriending that mean voice of mine, she meant well even though she was doing harm. That felt really good, like it wrapped things up for me in a really satisfying way.
Learning, time, and turning towards those difficult thoughts and feelings with kindness and curiosity. Allowing it to evolve over time.