This is about to be some real shit about a failing (failed?) marriage. Get out now if that is not for you.
My wife and I, both in our 40s, have been together for a long time, 20+ years. About 10 years ago our daughter was born and that was pretty good. I was stupid and had an affair during that first year because I was immature and, in retrospect, wasn’t able to handle the shift in my wife’s attention from me to my daughter.
We worked it out. We moved to a bigger house that is paid off. My mom died and left us all some money. Then my wife was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago and things have been on the decline.
We haven’t had sex in a year and neither of us again expects to. She has been depressed and I don’t know how to help her. We recently, like yesterday, determined in a mutual discussion that we no longer had a romantic relationship, but that we had a good partnership for raising our daughter and generally handling life. While it was good to get an unspoken truth out there, it hurts. I think that we both feel lonely in the aching soul sort of way. Last night, when we went to bed, for first time that I can recall, she didn’t say, “I love you,” and neither did I. My Prozac is working overtime, and she shuts down when I suggest mental health support for her.
So, here’s the question. What now?
It’s possible that a trial separation might give you both the space to breathe and find the right words to say. The marriage doesn’t necessarily have to end (especially for insurance purposes here), but you might want to start considering whether the relationship has simply run its course.
Fostering a strong partnership based on helping your daughter navigate healthily and happily through life might benefit you more than trying to keep propping up an unhappy marriage.
Also, some couples find new ways to communicate or relate to each other again after dealing with certain issues. There’s not necessarily anything stopping you from resuming the relationship later (obviously I don’t know you or whether there are barriers other than the ones mentioned) when things have potentially become less strained.
Serious question: How does a trial separation work with a child? I remember having a divorce scare when I was little and it still haunts me. I can’t imagine telling my kid “well we are separated now because we want to try out how it would be if we divorced” and letting it live through that limbo of uncertainty. Even if we get back together - that will they won’t they seems to be too much to bear for a child. We are always told to be clear and consistent with our kids and this is definitely the opposite of it.
Well, my parents divorced when I was 5 and for a while before that there were periods where my dad would leave and then come back. I’d go to his apartment every other weekend. He’s a shitty dad though, so it didn’t really “work.”
Basically, I was told that my parents were having problems understanding each other (they explicitly said no when I asked if they were falling out of love but I can’t remember exactly what they said was occurring) and it was causing everyone to be sad. So they needed time apart to think. Idk, I handled it fine (I have other childhood issues that fucked me up) but older kids almost always have trouble with it.
This doesn’t need to be done alone though, there are a lot of professional and online resources for what to say to your kids and what to do now. Also friends and family to talk to, if that’s not too uncomfortable.