Alternate U.S. headline:

Bike Accident Claims a Life, Unclear if Rider Wore a Helmet

The driver of the vehicle is 69 years old, police said. He was taken to a nearby hospital after suffering minor injuries. He has not been charged.

I’m sorry, what?

I exercise the right to bare arms as often as possible, and my farmer’s tan is proof of that.

Extra weed cart.

In the words of Kel Mitchell:

I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, 'cause we’re all dudes.

I was half-expecting to read a headline like

Day Care Center Fails to Look Both Ways, Jumps in Front of Innocent Car

*The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.