In the last year or so I started to see so many people of my age that have done truly incredible things and still doing more.
For the vast majority of my life my only goals were gettimg academic satisfaction and doing unproductive stuff in the free time to get temporary pleasure. No end goal whatsoever.
I kind of don’t know what I’ve been doing in the last 17 years while someone gets a patent on solar systems, other invents a new recyclable plastic, and another found a successful startup. I mean, they all find what they’re supposed to be doing with their lives and excel in them.
I feel overwhelmed for trying to pace up with these kind of people. Yet I don’t like the way the things are and I can’t do anything but envy those people.
Anyone with experience in this regard? How did you deal with this? Did you eventually “pace up” with these people or was it too late or an unattainable goal?
Edit: Whoops, I didn’t expect so many replies! Thanks, I’ll look into them all
The best way to be miserable in life is to compare yourself to others. Just do your best, thats all that matters
I’m really trying to not make this a way to mess up with my mental state, but instead a search on how to achieve the best of myself. I just want to know how these people are waking up in the morning and do the stuff they do.
one of my psychologist friends said a long time ago “if you don’t keep improving yourself, then what’s the point in living”.
you’re clearly already taking steps on self-improvement and personal introspection, which is probably one of the hardest things a human can do.
honestly you’re already kicking goals if you try and be a better person each day. No one can ask more of you.
Some people are just wired differently, those people are programmed in a way that just so happens to be congruent with our society. It’s not that something is wrong with you, it’s just that society is “more right” for them.
I’ve improved my life quite a lot but it’s hard to give advice to others.
The comparison mindset is really bad though. It literally doesn’t matter what another monkey on this planet does. Your thoughts about how to improve your life are ones you have to discuss with yourself (maybe guided by a therapist). There is no wrong way to live but you have to make the choice on how you want to.
When you look at someone else’s life, you only see the Highlights Reel. You don’t hear about all the boring in between moments, their struggles with imposter syndrome and insecurities, their relational arguments or troubles with their family, all the BS.
Life isn’t about keeping up.
It’s a parlor trick, magically coming into existence for a fraction of a moment in this infiniteness of time and space. The best thing we can do is cherish the miracle and squeeze the most happiness for the time we have. It’s respecting life.
For some, that means service to others. For others, it’s patenting science projects. And then there’s those that find it in an honest job, being good to people they love, and exploring hobbies from time to time.
Happiness is definitely not a contest. Especially one that you put yourself through fully knowing you won’t win.
But if you feel like you need more value in your life, it’s never too late to do something new.
Life has no purpose. You cannot waste it. You only live and die. Do what you want, or don’t. It doesn’t matter.
Looks like someone has been reading the book of Ecclesiastes!
In 100 years, very few of those people will be remembered. In 1000 years very, very few of them will have had a tangible, lasting impact on the world.
We are meaningless specs of dust in the universe. Don’t hold yourself accountable to imaginary standards being set by the rare few that manage to create a footprint a microcosim larger than the spec of dust they are. Enjoy yourself and create as much joy as you can in your tiny corner of reality as possible, and you’ll have lived a damn good life.
“But what do you really want to do with your life?” is a question that comes up a lot in our lives. I’ve spent a chunk of my life trying to find the answer before realizing that what I want to do or think I should be doing is inconsequential. The important question is how you want to feel. You could patent the whole universe and be the richest person on earth and still feel like a failure or an imposter. That’s why rich and famous celebrities kill themselves – despite achieving what everyone desires, the promised happiness remains elusive, if not even more distant.
As time marches on, you’ll find yourself remembering lesser and lesser of what you did with so and so, but you’ll always remember how they make you feel.
How you feel has to do with your attitude in life. You can feel happy and contented right here and right now, without changing anything externally. Live every moment as if it’s your last, then you’ll always know what’s important in life.
The best time to make a change in your life was 10 years ago, the second best time is now.
Don’t base your happiness on your achievements as compared to others. Life isn’t deterministic, every person is working with a different set of skills and circumstances. Set your own goals based on what you want to do, and work toward that.
If you don’t know what you want to do, start trying new things.
Everything comes with a cost. To be successful in one area means missing out in others. Everyone likes to post their success on Facebook or LinkedIn, but they also don’t post about all the evenings spent arguing with their wife or missing out on their children growing up or whatever. Success is not easily defined.
Most people like to keep things balanced, as in not having extreme losses in one area, but that also means that they’re not successful in something particular. That kind of balance is a success in itself, though it’s rather invisible.
You’re not supposed to do anything in your life. When the grim reaper comes along you won’t be able to bring it along.
You’re not dead. Be successful in whatever you want.
Not really. After having been through some deaths and illnesses of people close to me, every normal day is a good day to me. No news is good news, I can live my life quietly and how I want.
As for success in life, if I take care of myself, try not to make things around me worse, and try to help others I’m pretty happy with that. In my work we make a few products from scratch so I feel like I contribute to society.
It’s not just you, it’s all of us. But what people really regret when they are facing the end is perhaps different from your fears as expressed here.
Five wishes of the dying:
- “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
- “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
- “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
- “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
- “I wish I had let myself be happier”
From The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing by Bronnie Ware
Time you’ve spent enjoying yourself is absolutely not time wasted.
I know what you mean, but keep in mind that you’re comparing yourself to everyone that made it. There’s over 6 billion people on earth, and you compare yourself to, what, 5 people? 10? 15?
I honestly didn’t really enjoy my past years. It’s not like I was partying in the time I’d be doing new projects.
That number is definitely not anywhere near 10 or 15. And I’m not comparing myself to “average” because I was never average. Median income globally is 12k$ per year, and half of the people are earn lower than that. I only compare myself with people from similar background as me, and I see numerous examples they just did better choices with their time and opportunities.Wait, you are 17? And think you need to have accomplished something already? No. No way. You can just develop into an adult version of yourself, that’s plenty enough to do for now.
Some people peak in high school, sure. But that’s sad, I think. Better to have a life that improves as you get older. You are the age of my youngest child, and my life now is better than it’s ever been. Hated being a kid & teenager, lacking control over my own life. Yes it feels like wasted time in a way, and yes I felt it hobbled me in terms of worldly ambition. But now? Don’t care. You can’t fix the past. Move forward.
I’m fearing I won’t develop into adult either. Not in the way that I could be satisfied
I could do so many stuff, I had absolutely nothing to do but I chose to do the most boring, most ordinary stuff, which does not help me in the slightestBut farther on you say you are trying to go to school out of country, that’s adventurous!
And of my own kids and step kids there’s not a lot of correlation between how successful they were early on, and what sort of success they have as adults.
In my own family the athletic but middling student was the only one with phenomenal worldly success, and I’m not at all sure he is happier for it. Second most financially successful is the one who just fucked off to some island for years and literally wasted time, then came back, went to school, started own business.
It’s never too late to start - I disagree entirely with the commenter who said adults are all stuck in a rut. It’s demonstrably untrue. There are many who find success at an older age, and even as a regular person my life is always changing, there are always new things to see, to read, to listen to, it’s fun to get lost and solve problems still.
But even if there was some rule about too late (and there’s not) you’d certainly not be near halfway there. Find things you actually like to do, and be nice to other people, that is how people get interesting. It may be hard to see from where you are, but you are in a great position. So much open road ahead. Build a life you can enjoy and try not to worry so much about meeting some bullshit goals or schedule.
I don’t know. Maybe the adults around me are lazy but literally all can’t move out of comfort zone, start something new.
Since you mentioned, yes I’m trying to study abroad (and it seems very likely). And I should be, because it has been my dream since 14 or something. But I only started preparing last year. Why? I just didn’t know I could study abroad. How could you be so blind that you can’t study abroad is a valid question that I can’t answer. I was misguided by all adults around me - just claimed it’s not possible until masters unless you get into a few super-selective high schools. But I could probably just open internet and ask the same question instead of taking the words of people that can’t even speak English. And I got confidence loss over not getting into these super-selective high schools (and not being able to study abroad), this effect combined with an unfortunate personal event got me into serious mental problems for around two years. This really wasn’t “I didn’t achieve good stuff because I partied too much” case, I didn’t enjoy my time doing unproductive stuff.
I was lucky enough I realized this is not the case later on by some means.
Looking at the opportunities of those students studying at international high schools in my country (which I was able to attend, but didn’t because I was not aware of the whole study abroad thing) who started this process 3 years ago and not 1 year, I’d probably get into Harvard or something of that sort - if I had these opportunities (which I could definitely have).
I just really feel far away from my true potential. I have huge regrets in non-academic areas of my life as well. I just didn’t make the best decisions for myself.And I’m scared of getting older because I see adults around me at 30s or 40s don’t move an inch from their comfort zone. “I want to do x” “This would be nice” but there are no steps towards whatever they’re thinking of. They just seem stuck. I’m not sure getting married or having kids is what actually causes this effect though.
It seems so real I’ll study in the country I want to settle in, because I might think “nah I can’t spend more effort moving somewhere else, I don’t need more trouble”There is no telling your future but from this one post I think you may find yourself more successful than you think. The fact you have realized that you are unhappy where you are is a big motivator to change that. Look at what you are planning on doing, studying abroad is a big step. It may not feel like it to you but it is.
I agree with all the other posts that comparing yourself to others is fruitless because you are not them. But if you really want to do something spectacular then go for it. What that is ? Who knows? And you don’t need to know right now. Just go out and learn about as many different things that you can. You never know where good ideas come from. Also meet as many different people as you can one big factor in doing great things is knowing great people. It will also make your experiences much more broad and interesting.
Say ‘yes’ to doing crazy (though non-life threatening) stuff
Take a class in some subject that you find really weird and/or uncomfortable
Ask for help when you need it.
Take a weird job
quit the weird job
Find a passion
find others that have that passion
get bored with that passion
Ask out someone that you think is wayyyy outside your league
I could keep going but its all great experiences and you will start to notice that you are caring less and less about the success of others because you are living your life.
Sorry for the rambling, but honestly this random internet stranger is actually quite envious of you and the life you have in front of you.
I was going to study abroad or settle somewhere else sooner or later, I just don’t see anything relevant to this country anymore. I don’t really feel attached to anywhere to be honest: family, friends, country, anything that comes to mind. And I love travel, and I feel sick when I stay in some place for too long. Studying abroad is the best option for me.
I’m just too late, and despite my tremendous effort (including but not limited to completely messing up my sleep schedule for work) since last year, I see people are much better in their position because they just started things earlier. Did the right things. Had a network of people that guided them well. And as I’m typing this here perhaps someone else started something I’d love to do.
I’ll take your advice though, thanks for suggestions
I don’t know if I’m answering, but few years ago I’ve figured out and started to test this hypothesis:
Memory is context-driven, and such is our own ability to retrospect about spent time.
For example, let’s say I spent whole Saturday doing one of my favorite combos; playing Factorio and listening to podcasts. Next day I would go to a dinner with a friend who (as most people on the planet) is not really interested in neither of these things. There’s no way I could justify day spent, to my friend it would look like time wasted. Thing is, it’s actually easy to come to a similar conclusion just myself – I would feel like from some “objective”, “classic” point of view, the time spent in Factorio was wasted.
However, one thing is easily missed: due to the contextual nature of our memory, the memory spent in one mindset (playing Factorio with podcast) is not readily available outside that mindset. (It has to be like this to some extent, right? we don’t need to remember how to ride a bike when not close a bike!)
It sometimes happens to me that when I open old map from Factorio, memories from “the Factorio mindset” would start coming (including topics from podcasts or audiobooks), as if I visited some old place. If my friend walked up to me while I’m playing Factorio and asked me about how I spent my time, I could probably share lots of stories about how I came up with this structure and how I found myself stranded among enemy bases, etc. It’s he change of context that prevents me to do so at the Sunday dinner – part of the new context is that I’m with someone who’s not interested in Factorio or podcasts.
The question is then, do all these experiences contribute in a positive way to something more long-term, like my personality? While playing/listening, am I training something that is going to be useful later on? It boils down to comparing what else could I have done, which is ultimately a futile enterprise anyway.
TL;DR: Could it be that in retrospect time can feel wasted but it’s just because we’re trying to “reach” the time from another context? Maybe we always spend our time the best way we can, it’s just that we’re not equipped to judge the time properly, at least not from any context.
I just figured out a better example:
You can spend Saturday walking through forest, or walking by the lake, or gardening at home. Let’s say that objectively, all of the three activities are identical in terms of value added to your life.
You choose the lake.
Next day an alien/angel figure appears and asks you to judge and justify to him how well you spent the time, on a scale 1 to 10. Your judgment, feeling, and answer is going to vary based on where you exactly are when being asked:
- If you happen to be by the same lake again, you will give 10. Your brain will be much better at producing the justification by reminding you what you have seen and thought about.
- If you happen to be by the forest, then you will give 5. It will be harder to come with justification, your memories won’t be accessed so readily. However you’re still “on a walk”, so there’s some overlap
- If you happen to be at home gardening, you will give 3. You are now in a completely different mindset and you have probably realized few more things to do in the garden.
Of course, your judgment will vary based on other factors as well, such as your mood, or your relation to the figure.
So my point is that no matter any objective measure (if such thing even exists), your judgments of the time spent will vary by many factors, and the difference in context will certainly contribute to the difference in judgment.
Your example kind of assumes every option is created equal. It definitely isn’t.
I get a much better analysis of what I have done in my past as time passes. I realize I missed so many objectively good paths. I wish I could see what I’m currently doing in retrospect from future. Like, my future self comes and give me adviceMy example explicitly assumes them equal because it’s trying to isolate and illustrate the factor of memory context.
In real life, options are never really equal, but you also never have enough information to sort or compare them properly. Whatever path you choose is eventually judgment call.
I like to imagine that decision process, and every decision process like this: Inside of my mind there’s a painter, painting a picture for me. My cognitive skills are his painting skills. Health of my mind is health of his hands and his eyes. The information that I have is colors and shapes that he can use. He paints a picture, then I look at it and decide, entirely on gut feeling that I get from the picture.
Any decision that I make, and any action that I do, can only ever activated using feelings. Rationality is essential and possible, but rationality is for the painting. The action must come from the feeling.
Pictures are painted over pictures every second, and by the time we reach adult age, there are thousands if not millions of pictures painted over and over. However, some pictures are bigger than others so they rarely, or never get painted over. They can stay there for years on end. Often, pictures painted by much younger painter with far less skills and information will stay. Some of them are happy and fascinated with the beauty of the world, sometimes, some of the old pictures will be unsettling, like the kinds of pictures abused children would draw. They can stay there, lurking in the background, making us feeling like we’re watched, like we owe them something.
It’s these old pictures that can alter our feelings in a way that does not seem rational–why do I feel my time is 99% wasted could be example of that–you feel it because it’s the feeling you get from some of the many old pictures in the corners of the canvas. There’s nothing wrong with you: the feeling is true to the picture–any of us would feel the same from the same canvas. There’s no reason to blame yourself.
There’s also nothing wrong with the pictures, and nothing wrong with the little painter that painted them years ago. These were his shapes, colors and his skills. So there’s also no reason to blame the painter. After all, he’s frozen in time, there’s no point in blaming a memory, memories cannot change.
You can, in some meaning, however, connect to with younger painter in terms of understanding him and his situation a bit better and seeing which pictures are still relevant to you. Some of them will, for some of them you will already know better. Then, maybe you can work with the current painter and get him to re-paint some of the old pictures or at least mark them as the historical artifacts that they are. It’s all hard work but you’re not alone.
To some extent, maintaining the paintings and teaching the painter is the point of life. We were never meant to be alone in that.
Sorry for the short reply, I think what you’re pointing out is very well described but I’m not equipped to deal with it
I hate the painter with a passion. He was incredibly dumb and even he knew it. And it’s not just “memory”, it was precious youth time that is lost. I’ll never be a highschooler again. I’m angry. I’d be happier if my past didn’t exist
Well the past does not exist in any meaningful way, does it? Maybe the past painter was “stupid” (I would not express it in that way) but doesn’t it mean that the present one is smarter?
I am not a doctor, professional psychologist or anything even remotely close. As far as I know, having strong (especially negative, such as shame or hate) feelings towards your (past) self can be a residue of a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, otherwise known as psychological trauma.
It’s worth knowing that psychological trauma is really common. When I say “common”, I don’t mean to diminish it – quite opposite, psychological trauma can be pretty debilitating. What I mean is that many aspects of psychological trauma have been known and studied for a long time, and lot of methods have been developed to explore it and help people deal with it – or even heal it. I suggest you try and find someone safe to talk to.
Trained therapists are excellent for this, because, well, they know lot of effective methods on how to help people speak, and second, they are normally from outside of our close circles, which is a surprisingly huge advantage. I’ve experienced this myself: as soon as I sat into that comfy chair, I’ve realized that this nice person was not ever going to judge me (she’s probably heard sh*t i can’t even imagine). Within first five minutes of conversation I’ve already noticed myself, how I put away a mask I didn’t even know I was wearing. If only for this single realization, it was worth it.
As the saying goes, life is a marathon, and not a race. I spent my 20’s feelings very sorry for myself as a result of sheltered upbringing and a lack of ambition. However, please bear in mind that the people you hear about on the news are a very small minority, and not a median representative, and that many of them had resources that they did not disclose in order to curate a favorable image
Also many with a similar or worse background than me though
A carpenter and his apprentice were walking together through a large forest. And when they came across a tall, huge, gnarled, old, beautiful oak tree, the carpenter asked his apprentice: “Do you know why this tree is so tall, so huge, so gnarled, so old and beautiful?” The apprentice looked at his master and said: “No…why?”
“Well,” the carpenter said, “because it is useless. If it had been useful it would have been cut long ago and made into tables and chairs, but because it is useless it could grow so tall and so beautiful that you can sit in its shade and relax.”
Source: Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude (Ave Maria Press, 1974, 2004), pages 26-27
Sorry I don’t understand. How does this relate to the post?
This is a metaphor about not only seeking value in goal chasing or accomplishing. Try to value your offtime as much as your dedicated goal chasing time. See the value in doing nothing.
See the value in doing nothing.
Yes
Yes. I compare myself to other people and regret a lot of my past. It’s not healthy. It’s not that I’m unsuccessful either, I’m doing great…just feel like I could have done better at certain things.
