To prevent a recurrence of cancer, my wife’s ovaries were removed and it has triggered menopause. We are in our mid 30s. It is a terrible business, with numerous symptoms like pain, discomfort, mood and attitude changes, and the like.
She is seeking treatments by her own idea, but that process has been extremely slow. In the mean time, all affection for me has completely evaporated and been replaced with anger, resentment, distance, and disrespect.
I know that she has no choice in what is happening to her, I know it is not her fault, I know she is barely able to control it, and I don’t blame her for any of it. And yet, this new person living with me refuses to interact with me at all unless it’s to chastise me for some perceived slight or criticize me for voicing my opinion.
I tried to express that I was feeling undesired and attacked but understood my plight was in no way similar to hers (nor as intense, serious, difficult, or important). I didn’t want her to apologize because it wasn’t her fault; I only wanted her to recognize that I was having feelings about what was going on.
She told me I had no right to those feelings, reminded me that what was happening was happening to her, and I should never bring it up again if I care about her at all.
So I’m seriously asking: What’s the trick here? Do I just wait it out? Am I even allowed to have these feelings? Or should I just shut my big, dumb, stupid mouth? I legitimately want to know how to navigate this because I seem to only be making mistakes.
Seek professional help. Have her find a good OBGYN and go over what’s going on with her body. Could be hormone imbalances or her mental state is affected from everything she’s been going through. Don’t take advice from random strangers here.
But by that logic, since you’re a random stranger, they shouldn’t seek professional help, since you suggested it!
Not following strangers advice != Doing the opposite of what strangers say
Humor is dead
Time and a place, bro.
Flippant humor on an advice post about a deteriorating relationship due to serious health issues probably isn’t it.
Funny jokes are welcome.
That was more the type of thing the annoying kid at the back of the class shouts out, where even their friends tell them to shut up.
Was there humour somewhere?
I went through menopause just a few years ago. It threw everything into an upheaval. Thank goodness I didn’t have a partner to be like this to, but therapy definitely helped. She is absolutely going through a lot, physically and mentally, and will be for years. I still have hot flash episodes for weeks at a time and it’s always different.
Your feelings are valid. You have every right to them. Just because someone is going through chemical changes in their body doesn’t mean they can abuse you like this. Telling you that you have no right to your feelings is emotional abuse and she has no right to do that to you. You both need help to get through this, whether separate or together, but this is all new and for you to be told to sit down and shut up is just heartbreaking. Everything happening to her is also happening to you because it seems to me that she’s taking it all out on you and yeah, that affects you.
You are not dumb or stupid. You are caring and sympathetic to what she’s going through, and she reacts to this with hostility and arrogance. I can’t imagine anyone is obligated to put up with that from anyone, for any reason. It might change in time, but not if she never acknowledges the validity of your feelings and your right to have them.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
This reply is on the short list for support and validation. I just wish I could get her to understand it this way.
I’ve heard couple’s counseling suggested a few times, but the last time I was finally able to get her to agree to go she said she felt attacked and ended up storming out without finishing the session, and that was before she underwent all this.
Just the other day I confronted her about being interrupted again before I could finish explaining my idea and that I was hurt because she had promised to work on doing that less. She said she interrupts me because my ideas are stupid, as if that validates her active. I told her that I thought she might’ve had a different opinion if I’d been able to fully explain my reasons but she cut me off again and insisted she’d firm enough information to judge me as wrong by the first half sentence I uttered. I told her that wasn’t even my point: that she’d promised to do that less, and I ended up sleeping on the couch.
I don’t know how to get through to her and she refuses to try counseling, asserting that she has no issues to work on.
If she’s been like this before she underwent all this, then she was already treating you very badly and recent events only made it worse. I’m not any kind of doctor so I won’t throw around diagnoses, but I recognize these behaviors from other people describing what they’ve experienced from people who were emotionally and physically abusing them. I’ve also experienced some myself from being emotionally abused and neglected.
This sounds like abuse to me. You are being abused and manipulated maliciously and therapy can help you get through this. I was diagnosed with cPTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is PTSD that happens after long term trauma (especially in childhood, which is mine). Years with an abusive partner could definitely affect you this way.
You deserve a life of happiness. The sooner you get into therapy, the sooner you can get to happiness, or at least away from abuse. You are not going to change her.
I’m a woman in her forties and maybe my perspective helps. What I’ve noticed about myself as I am approaching menopause is this: I won’t tolerate stuff that I don’t want. No compromise anymore. My body just won’t allow that I be in a place I don’t want to be in, with people I don’t want to be with, in conditions I don’t control … so I’m probably not a very nice person anymore in the way I used to be - but at same time feeling powerfully aligned with what I really want for myself, and walking out of situations that don’t serve me.
As women are still raised to please and support others many of us tend to wear ourselves out in caring for other people and their opinion, and when that falls away with menopause the results can be very painful for the person themselves and their families. This change in me killed my relationship, and I do feel very sorry how it all went down, but I was literally physically unable to stay and remain in this ‘wife’ situation that I tend to almost automatically create for myself when with a partner.
And for your situation as a partner: No, you never have to put up with your partner criticizing you all day and dumping their rotten mood onto you. That’s not acceptable for any reason.
I appreciate the insight. I really do get this, and I feel sorry that anyone would go through it, not just my partner.
Forgive me for saying so, but what you described sounds a lot like “you reach a point where you just can’t fake it any more.” Am I supposed to accept that my wife simply can no longer pretend to tolerate me? Have I been “the enemy” all along?
See a therapist. It’s great you feel comfortable reaching out to the community, but our time is fleeting and memories short. Going to speak to someone who is professionally trained to help people in these kinds of circumstances on a regular basis helps a lot.
As someone a little older and without a wife going through menopause yet, FUCK NO you are not wrong for feeling that.
She is going through the brunt and you seem to understand that from this post. That doesn’t mean you aren’t going through it too. Just like couples going through pregnancy, deaths, or other life events. It normally effects one more than the other, but it doesn’t mean the other partner isn’t going through issues. You are married. That means BOTH of you go through things together.
She is very much entitled to her selfishness for this period of time. I don’t have tips or tricks, but I will say avoid fights. Even if you both sometimes understand it’s just venting and neither of you mean what you say.
Try to pick up an unrelated hobby. Start taking walks. Public libraries have apps that let you checkout books, if you have a reading list. There might be a support group for men going through this. If there isn’t could you start one, because I have a feeling I will need it in a few years.
She needs support more than anything. That means not telling her some rando on the Internet agreed with you. Her body is crazy. My wife told me stories of other ladies going through it at her work. She asked questions and is not happy about what is on the horizon.If she doesn’t want you support though then focus on you. Draw a doodle.
My coworker had a full hysterectomy in her late 30s for the same reason and she’s described it as basically a living hell for about a year. Just a complete nightmare where she felt like her body completely turned on her and she had no control over anything it was doing - hearing about it made my attitude about keeping my ovaries much more enthusiastic. BUT she was pretty much fully through menopause after that year, so the good news is that your wife’s situation is likely pretty temporary. The bad news is that a year can feel like much longer when things aren’t going well, and I’m guessing she can’t do any hormone replacement to ease her symptoms because of the cancer risk. I did keep my ovaries and I’m still having some hormonal nonsense (pseudo hot flashes are not making me real optimistic about the real thing, let me tell you), so I can only imagine how much that sucks.
The thing is, you’re probably not actually doing anything wrong, it’s just a total tsunami of fuckery in her body atm that’s making her feel that way. I would suggest marriage counseling, because it’s possible that a neutral third party can help your wife see that, even though she’s not totally in control of her body or feelings right now, she still doesn’t get to make you feel like shit and she might end up destroying a relationship she still wants once she’s past this stage. There’s no easy solution, though, it’s just everyone putting their heads down and pushing through it, unfortunately.
You are allowed to have feelings, you are allowed to demand to be treated well, you are allowed to uphold your boundaries when you arent.
It’s up to you if you want to try to work on things with them.
I wish there was an easy solution.
Besides the advice to seek OBGYN help, I strongly recommend couple’s therapy/counseling. For EVERYONE.
My wife and I started going to therapy when we were having some issues with communication and it was remarkably helpful. Getting to have a trained third party help work through your issues can assist with reframing and seeing things through one another’s eyes.
Like, obviously your wife isn’t the only one suffering here, and for her to tell you your feelings aren’t valid is outrageous, but she cannot see that from where she is emotionally right now. But getting her into a different setting and with someone trained to work through things like this may very well be able to get her into a state of mind where she can see how she’s effecting you. And at the same time, a therapist can help you to better support her by identifying the ways you already are and helping her recognize them, but also by helping her to communicate ways that you can better assist.
I genuinely cannot recommend couple’s therapy enough to EVERY couple. You don’t wait to bring your car into the shop until it’s broken, you bring it in for maintenance occasionally. Treat your relationship the same way and it’ll reward you, I promise.
Who is going to pay for this luxurious therapy?
It’s unfortunately not always covered by insurance. But it’s worth it if you can afford it.
You have every right to express your feelings. If she is unable or unwilling to accept that, then you two need to go to couples counseling. If she doesn’t want to do that, then it’s time to consider divorce. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. It’s one thing to weather foul moods from time to time, but it’s another thing to be disrespected and emotionally abused. I don’t care how bad menopause is. It simply isn’t acceptable to abuse your loved ones. She needs to recognize this and do every thing in her power to correct this behavior, including finding a good OBGYN and getting the necessary hormone treatments.
My wife is almost on the other side and yeah, it’s shit. But we’re both stubborn & last year she started to recognize all the shit slung my way -and you hit the nail on the head: it’s not an apology that’s needed, it’s the recognition.
We’ve been together 26years now and I can’t imagine going through this at you stage of life. Good luck.
Is there an “other side”? My understanding was that hormones change to the new level and that’s where they stay.
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Man. I’m sorry. Maybe finding a therapist that you can see together and separately? Along with the emotional issues caused by medical issues, I’m sure there’s a bunch of real (not that the other is not real) anger, fear, and sadness.
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I am a trans woman so I understand how it feels to not have the hormones you want in your body. It’s literal hell. You are allowed to have your own feelings, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your wife’s mental state is just in the gutter right now and that’s why she’s lashing out at you.
I’d recommend seeing a professional so she can get prescribed estradiol. That’s really the only thing that’s going to fix it.
Someone with a uterus and a history of ovarian cancer likely isn’t a candidate for estradiol, but there are other treatments. Maybe estrogen + progestin to prevent unopposed endometrial proliferation. Though I hope OP can find a doctor who can help with hormone replacement if that is what his partner wants.
Yeah, I forgot that there are different variants better suited for cis women. I’m pretty sure you’re correct that she does need something a bit different.
I am officially in menopause as of next month. Honestly I’ve had almost no symptoms and that’s because I’m psychiatrically medicated to the teeth. Naltrexone seems to have made the most difference, I’m on it for an anxiety disorder, it’s usually used for substance abuse, but I tell you I’ve done really great. Menopause is not to be taken lightly.
The ovaries create hormones so without them, it’s like reverse puberty. There are OBGYN’s that specialize in menopause, suggest finding one.
